The staycation has come to an end, and I will update one and all on the joys of staying home with the family, but meanwhile, in the interest of laziness keeping up with current events, I can’t resist a cut-and-paste of this brilliant recap of last night’s Jon and Kate Plus Eight. As the show itself has become ever more boring and pitiful, the satire has gotten sharper and more hilarious.
Last night’s show, for those of you who are more mature and less distractable than I am, and thus have managed to avoid the trainwreck that is Jon&Kate Plus All the Free Stuff They Can Accumulate, was a TLC-Discovery Channel cross-promotion featuring the motorcyle-building, battling Teutel family.
This is a rundown of “what they said and what they meant,” taken from here:
“Would I mind help? Did I just hear that question?” Kate
“I’ve lived off hands outs, sponsorships, and corporate synergy for the past four years of my life. Asking me if I need help is like asking The Backstreet Boys if they want it that way. The answer is YES.”
“It was just really not a puppet show that any mother would ever be proud that her child partook of,” Kate
“It’s much more satisfying when I shove my hand up Jon’s rear and make him dance like my monkey boy.”
“Mommy’s going to ride away on a motorcycle. Sit and watch.” Kate, to Alexis
“Mommy and Daddy are going to play a game called ‘chicken.’ We’re going to opposite ends of the driveway, and the one that flinches will be sleeping at a Red Roof Inn for the foreseeable future. Here’s a hint: put money down on Mommy.”
“She was real good, she held on tight.” Paul Senior
“So, so, so very tight. Vice-like, even. Those cold fingers still seem pressed across my flesh. I don’t think I’ve felt anything approximating happiness since. She’s a freakin’ Dementor.”
“As soon as Kate brought the food out and put the tray down, Shooka and Nala come over and snatch up chips, and Kate like freaks out, and I’m like, ‘What do you expect? You’re putting food on the ground. They don’t know any different.’” Jon
“It’s like those peanuts they lay out at the local bar. You know, the one right next to campus. I love peanuts. I really love peanuts. What do you expect? You’re putting peanuts on the bar populated by co-eds. I don’t know any different.”
“Senior yelled at me for not putting the grease away. Like, I was gonna go back and clean it up. But he’s so anal about everything, it’s ridiculous.” Jon
“I looked forward to getting away from Kate from a few days, but managed to walk into another cavernous house of antagonism. Someone kill me in the face, and do it now.”
“I just haven’t had time to do stuff that I enjoy. And this was the first opportunity that I got to enjoy something on my own and build something I was passionate about, and actually contribute.” Jon
“Sure, taken in context, this statement about finally reapplying my former building skills is pretty benign. But I’m pretty sure Kate’s lawyers will be playing this clip in divorce court somewhere in Week 2.”
“They had done footprints all over it, and ‘I Love Mom’ and little stick figures that said Girl, Girl, Boy, Boy, Boy, Girl, Girl, Girl. And I said, ‘Obviously you didn’t know their names or hadn’t paid attention.’” Kate
“Everyone knows their names are Book Deal, Talk Show Appearance, Speaking Engagement, Magazine Cover…”
“Paul Jr. was like, ‘PUT THE BRAKES ON!’ And he kept screaming behind me and I would turn around and come flying back past them.” Kate
“Oddly enough, that pretty much sums up my relationship with most of America right now.”
“He said to me later, ‘Yea, I really took a chance there. I didn’t know how you’d take that.’ Of course I thought it was hysterical.” Kate, talking about Mike’s joke about US Weekly in the salon
“As hysterical as the fact that he has no idea I have 400 women in Orange County ready to pounce should I give the word. The trigger word? ‘Bles8ings.”
“I built a bike. I built relationships. And I built friendships.” Jon
“And, with any hope, built a one-way road out from the hell that is my life.”
{ 7 comments }
I about peed my pants watching Mikey and the puppet show!
Lola…again´s last blog ..Not a picture of me…
I don’t watch the show, never have, but I DO watch the boys at American Chopper. I’m sad that I missed this one, only because they were on it.
Busty LaRue´s last blog ..Yes, I am a Pirate!
I am just overwhelmingly stunned with all this Jon and Kate business. I think it is funny how when the marriage was ‘working’ (read Jon not cheating on her) no one really cared about what a bitch Kate was (and she is no more a BITCH now then she was then)…but now that hubby has wised up and wants to actually be treated like a MAN….people are all over how awful she is….the thing is people. SHE WAS HORRIBLE ALL ALONG.
The Glamorous Life Association´s last blog ..OC Event Alert: Guitar Hero Competition
I stumbled on that show by mistake last year and had no idea what the hell it was, but all I could think was ‘Who the hell is that nasty woman and why does that guy put up with her?’ Now I know who they are and apparently he quit putting up with her. If you’d be so kind to continue your excellent posts about them I can keep up with their life and watch something else. I like to multi-task.
laura´s last blog ..Unveiling my Passport Purse
You know I loved this! I love all Jon and Kate bashing. Particularly pleasing was your comment about Kate’s hand. You were on the money with this one!
debbie´s last blog ..Disoriented much?
Well, I don’t watch that show, or tv for that matter, although I HAVE discovered “The Closer” and “Rescue Me” on hulu.com godhelpme, but it sure is nice to have you back, um, home.
Ellie´s last blog ..Later That Night…..
woooooooooooooooooo, big announcement on Monday’s show coming up.
I’ve never watched an episode of this and am SICK of it in the tabloids and everywhere else (not that I read those either, but it just seems to be everywhere… but even from the TV ad’s in past seasons, I’ve always seen she’s a b!tchy piece of work, so I may just settle in with the popcorn to watch, what I’m sure I know is coming, Monday night.
Bummer is, it’s the 8 little ones who suffer in this train wreck.
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