As much as I enjoy ripping open a fresh bag of Oreos and lying down on the sofa to watch the Olympics, I have to confess that sometimes I start to feel a little inadequate as I watch yet another superfit athlete perform some amazing feat of strength and grace. To combat the drain on my self-esteem, I started taking stock of my own talents.
I have previously reported my awesome Wii bowling skills. If there was an Olympics for Wii bowling, I am pretty sure I could get a silver medal at least. And I only say silver to demonstrate my down-to-earthness and humility, because really I would totally own the gold.
I make a super good grilled cheese sandwich. No kidding, if you could taste it right now, you would be giving me perfect 10s for execution. Unless you were the Russian judge, because the Russians are jealous of my cheese sandwiches and they have been trying to bring me down for years.
Here’s something that Michael Phelps would envy. If you hum the first five bars of any Bob Dylan song, I can hum or sing the whole rest of it. I used to be able to whistle them, but something happened to damage my whistler. I can only make expelled air noises when I try to whistle now.
And last but not least, I rule at Jumble. I can solve the Jumble in under 30 seconds, except for the answer at the bottom that is the caption for the cartoon. That part is just a gimmick and pretty much irrelevant to the true Jumble aficionado. For me, it’s all about that list of words. If there was an Olympics for the Jumble puzzle, I would kick the asses of the entire world.
Especially the parts of the world where they don’t speak or read English.
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I would like to add sunflower speed spitting as a track and field event. Beer drinking and socializing to take place of the cycling and actual rodeo should replace all equestrian events. Whne you write your letter, could you include these things?
I’m with Karen on the rodeo thing. There should be a rodeo in the Olympics. It should be in the summer and winter games. And drunken texting. Probably a summer sport.
The real question here is….how many barettes do you wear while making those cheese sandwiches? Not wearing enough barettes while doing this might be one of the reasons that the Russian judge doesn’t like you.
I would like to play you in Wii bowling and maybe you can make me a grilled cheese after you beat me. I have gotten a lot better over the summer, I have been working out my bowling arm and have a fancy trainer from Lithuania.
It’s funny that you mentioned grilled cheese because I totally burned mine last night. *sigh! Actually it was with four annoying kids in the background so the difficulty level was way up there but my execution did poorly. You won’t see me with any medal around my neck:(
I’m a pretty good bull shitter though. Does that work for a medal you think?
The best part of the Olympics is thinking of all the events those of us who don’t look like all those ridiculously fit athletes (just wait ’til track & field starts…) would win. Beer drinking at the beach? Psssfffff. Don’t even bother entering.
Sorry for the name. My vagina isn’t really happy. Hasn’t been since 1967 when I was at the love-in and I….uh……sorry……those flashbacks can throw your back out……You forgot chicken wrangler. You’d win at that! And I bet you know the secret to good grilled cheese…….do not use margarine. USE BUTTER. Soak that bread in it! And they come out all crispy brown. yum
I’m fairly certain — no, make that absolutely positive — that you need to have a Cheese-Off with my husband, who *claims* to make the best gorilla cheese sammich EVER. It’s pretty durn good, Ah tell you whut. Mine, on the other hand, is respectably average to embarrassingly sub-par. Still, I am an excellent judge. And I am NOT Russian.
Please send directions to your kitchen.
don’t forget how you’ve been making the very best tollhouse cookies in the world since you were five years old. sure, mom taught you how to. I had to
grow upget older and teach myself how to cook.If you want to watch a sport where the women are not super toned check out softball. I’m also an incredible smoker. Could you add that to the letter. I’m unable to drink without smoking.
While you’re suggesting events, how about suggesting these? “Who’s really good at chasing an over-active 2 year old?” I doubt that there are many Olympians who have enough endurance to keep up with my little bundle of energy like I can, and I’m not even in shape! Oh, and if there were an event called “how fast can you eat a pan of brownies” I would win. I’m really good in that field!
I find all these suggested entries EXCELLENT. I will contact the ISU forthwith.
Thanks for the cookie endorsement, Bob! You know, I told Mom and Dad that you should be allowed to live in the house instead of outside being raised by Ginger. But you have to admit it made you self-sufficient just like Dad said it would.
This cracked me up. I am a great fan of toasted cheese sandwiches, and think that as a whole it is a far more useful skill to have than for example, being able to jump a long way in a sandpit.
Yup you’re definitely multi-talented!!!
Re: wii bowling
I remember getting multiple strikes in a row on my first time playing -very deceptive…I thought it would translate to real life but no….when I tried real bowling….MAN I was HOPELESS! LOL
My stepdad and his friends get together every year for the “Fat Man Olympics” where they compete in such events as darts, pool, air hockey and foosball. It’s great.
I should also mention that the Fat Man Olympics involves drinking vast amounts of beer.
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