I hate to have to break it to him like this. Rick, it’s over. I have found a New Lover. It’s a commenter on my blog. And so the dogs and the chickens and the turkeys and I are leaving. You knew it was coming, right?
OK, maybe you didn’t see it coming, because I haven’t told you about this book I’m reading. See, this English lady living in Paris started a blog, and she complained about how she was getting bored with her French boyfriend/babydaddy, and then she started an affair with a man she met when he commented on her blog, and she got lots of readers and then a book deal out of it. First, though, she wrote about all this in her blog, and she called the new man her Lover. I can’t help thinking of these two whenever I read about somebody’s Lover.
Thank goodness gay marriage is legal in California now, because I think the only men commenting on my blog are related to me, and incestuous marriage isn’t legal anywhere that I know of. But then I am faced with some tough choices. Of course, Busty Larue has some obvious charms, not the least of which is she gets me lots of hits when she comments and then people in Croatia search for “busty Russians.” But she is happily married, so she might not be willing to have an affair with me.
Same thing for most of my other commenters, dang it. Plus, a lot of them are LDS, so not only are they married now, but for all eternity, and I’m sorry, I’m just not willing to wait that long for a lesbian lover, higher readership, and a possible book deal.
My two main single gals are Karen and Toe, and gosh, it would be hard to choose between them. Pluses for Toe are that she knows how to sew (cheap labor) and she grows her own green beans. On the other hand, Karen has her own riding mower, and she has Prison Contacts. On the down side, they both live in Kansas. I don’t even know if Kansas recognizes gay marriages from California.
This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I may have to think of some other way to get more readers and a book deal. More poop-related material, perhaps. More human hair ponchos.
And definitely, more cowbell.
{ 11 comments }
Not to toot my own horn here, but I can sew too, and I’m the better cook. Do you like cheesecake????
While I’m not sure if Kansas recognizes gay marriages from California, I do know that we are one of only a handful of states that recognize common-law marriages, all we have to do is say that we are married, hold ourselves out to be married and wham, we are married. It is a great state!
I vote for Toe though, she does have the green bean thing going for her, and she likes chickens more than I do!
Um hello? Isn’t Karen the clear winner here. I mean come on…she has the riding mower and prison contacts. Green beans have nothing on that. I do however want to be a bridesmaid for one of you. Oh, and don’t have the wedding in Karen’s yard as she has an anaconda living in there.
I’ll make the dresses! I love making wedding dresses!! And, how often do I get a chance to make 2 for the same wedding???
Yeah it’s unfortunate the L.D.S don’t practice polygamy. . . . OH wait! That wouldn’t work either because you would have to marry our husband:)
Can’t say I didn’t try. BUT I do want to witness the lovely event;)
OK. I”m a rather mild mannered woman…..well, on the third Wednesday of every month at 11:01-11:02, but you’ve pissed me off so badly that I had a seizure and threw up on the dog.
KAREN and TOI????? Who the hell is named TOI anyway! And you want prison contacts? Well baby, I’m not scared of RETURNING to prison so ya better watch your step!!
I sew. I draw. I used to have all kinds of jobs! I can take care of you AND your chickens!!!
Tell your “hubby of the moment” to take a walk out behind the chicken coop and your problems will be all over.
No divorce. No court appearances. (by the way, you DO have buzzards there. Right?) And no mess to clean up!!!
Riding lawn mower? I have a tractor. I also have 110 chickens and turkeys. Not only is common law marriage recognized here in Canada, but so is gay marriage. Prison contacts? Google Pollsmoore (it makes a turkish prison look like a daycare) I was granted a lovely stay there after a tourist visa mishap. There is the issue of the three kids, but I am sure you would have them under control in no time, as long as you bring your trusty hammock. I am also just off the Alaska Highway, so you could hitch a ride home to California or Arizona every fall when the Alaska tourists head back down, and come back every spring when they head back up. We will have to wait to finalize plans, though. I am trying to find a way to get Adam Beach to comment on my blog.
I’m glad I could do something for you! I get a lot of those people on my blog, too. Apparently I didn’t think about the consequences of putting the word “busty” in my blog name!
You know, if you can’t decide between the two, you could always practice polygamy! That way you get Karen with the riding mower AND prison contacts, and Toi who will love the chickens as much as you do! Because, you know, it’s not really about what you want. It’s about what is best for the chickens!
You’re a funny funny girl miss Kathi. I was just watching an old Sex and the City, where Carrie takes “a Lovah” (mikhail B. you know- the old soviet dude).
LMAO well at least you know when all of this is over you’ll all be wearing gold plated diapers, right? Cuz thats the ONLY possible conclusion to more cowbell.
I must vote for Toe. Nothing against Karen in any way… I’ve just always been fond of the name Toe and Toe and Kathi kind of sound right together.
Thanks for the comment! I read you all the time through the magical google reader thingy so you can’t see I’m stalking you.
Oh, I have nothing to offer in the lovaaahh department. Except that I like cooked chickens. Does that count?
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