I noticed the movement of a large animal on the hill behind the house this morning, and stood up to look closer, expecting to see a deer. Instead it was Gary (Not His Real Name) The Gopher Man. He comes once a month or so to search the property for gophers, moles, and ground squirrels, and then comes up with new and better ways of eliminating them.
Gary is a perfectly nice and normal guy, a family man; in fact, he owns this murder-for-hire business with his brother. When they were casting about for a family business to start, it came down to a choice between solar energy and pest control, and solar energy lost. Sometimes Gary’s nearly-grown son is the one who comes, and he is a pleasant young man, too. There’s just this one little thing that sets Gary apart from you and me. He knows about a million ways to kill vermin.
Now, I’m not bragging, but I myself know 43 ways to kill a man with a ballpoint pen (47 if you also have a piece of paper) and even that isn’t enough to keep up with Gary. He knows his subject and he’s not reluctant to share what he knows:
Studies have shown that the mole is 67% more likely to eat this artificial (poison) worm than an actual live worm.
Ground squirrels have been known to be attracted to abandoned burrows for up to three years after the original colony is exterminated.
A guillotine trap is only going to get a mole roughly one in 275 times.
Your pocket gopher can dig a mile of tunnel in 60 seconds flat.*
His killing knowledge extends beyond poison and chemicals and poison gas. When I mentioned that my neighbor Bjorn (Not His Real Name) has had some success in shooting ground squirrels, Gary asked what he was shooting (a .22 rifle) and wants me to tell Bjorn that there is a Teflon bullet that will flatten on impact instead of ricocheting. The man is a Killing Machine.
So the only thing I keep wondering is, what is the dinner conversation at Gary’s house like? What does he answer when the wife says, “And how was your day, honey?”
*I actually wasn’t paying attention. I had to make some of this stuff up.
{ 5 comments }
When the gopher guy is done at your house, send him to kansas, i have graound vermin issues, and I won’t be here to witness the carnage!
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Can you ask him to start a blog? Currently my husband is killing the mice with the broom handle. This is a bit unpleasant to clean up, and not very good if the kids get up before me. It would be awesome if he shared his sadistic saavy with the rest of us.
Wow, I’m jealous! I only know 13 ways to kill a man with a Ballpoint.
We enjoy the status of “renters”, so we’re happy to count the new the mole holes and try to spot their cute little heads popping up in the early morning. Sadly, my neighbor’s 10 outside cats seem to be catching them all before my son and I can spot them.
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