It started on Friday afternoon when I got pistol-whipped to the ground and left for dead by an angry policeman. Then there was a lot of painting and a lot of planting, and I almost but not quite washed my truck. Hmmm. Where to begin? I hear a lot of you screaming “Painting!” and a few more yelling “Truck! Truck!” But I believe I will start with the Police Incident.
I was on my way home from the hardware store, and my truck was filled to the brim with stuff I needed for all my weekend projects. Just after I left the freeway, I looked into my rearview mirror and noticed a police car with its lights flashing. Of course I looked around to see who he might be signalling. And it seemed I was quite alone. So I pulled over. That was my first mistake. I should have tried to make a run for it in my 10-year-old 4-cylinder truck.
I reached over to manually roll down my non-electric window and Mr. Policeman said, “Well, do you want to know why I pulled you over?’ (No. Just go away.) “Your registration is out-of-date.”
“Oh! That little thing! Well, Mr. Policeman, I can explain that. See, I needed to get a smog check to renew, and I went to the smog place, and they couldn’t do it, so I paid the fees anyway, to make sure I was current, and then I, um, sort of forgot to get the smog check. I have the paperwork right here” (where I left it a year ago because I was going to get that smog check any day).
After going to his car and calling the DMV, he came back and said that they told him the truck hasn’t been registered since 2005. I tried to tell him that couldn’t be true, but he believed Them and not Me. (I was right about the 2005 part, but I was still overdue.) Then he asked how far I was from home (couple of miles) and was there anyone I could call (no) because he was about to call in to have this Unregistered Vee-hickle towed and I would have to walk home.
Well! Thinking fast, I came up with the only thing that could save me. “What would Mom do?” See, Mom never got tickets. I was with her when she got pulled over a couple of times, and as soon as she turned on that Southern Gal Charm, she was waved away with a “Now, you be careful, Ma’am!” I, on the other hand, always get the ticket. Apparently policemen do notice the involuntary eye roll, and they don’t seem to like it. So I started channeling Mom.
“Oh! Please don’t tow my truck! I am not a bad citizen, I’m just a little scatterbrained sometimes! I will take care of this right away, I promise!”
“Well, you know if you go out driving tomorrow and another policeman sees you, he will tow this truck, and maybe I should just save him the trouble.”
So probably I shouldn’t have told him that I just sent $25 to the Police Association, and I should have listened to my brother and just pay off the individual cops as they pull me over. That’s when he started beating me with his nightstick and pistol.
OK, that last part was just my imagination. I really wanted to roll my eyes and ask him to stop being such an a-hole, but I didn’t. I saved myself. (Thanks, Mom!) I did promise not to drive anywhere until I went straight to the DMV this morning and make myself into an honest citizen.
I hardly drove at all. Just a few errands Saturday and a couple yesterday. I stayed on the back roads like a moonshiner and prepared to tell any policeman I encountered that I had to get to the pharmacy for my life-saving prescriptions.
And now the planting and painting and almost truck washing will have to wait, because I am emotionally drained from being assaulted without firing back. Also my tongue is sore from all the times I had to bite it.
And as usual, I got the ticket.
{ 4 comments }
Pistol whipped over an environmental infraction- that sounds very Californian. I bet if you drove a gas guzzling, black smoke spewing truck, while smoking a cigarette and doing your hair with aerosal hairspray, they’d send the terminator after you.
I was pulled over once, when I was 19. I had accidentally cut off some cops by blowing a red light. They followed me forever, and I finally just gave up and pulled over myself (even though they never used sirens or lights). They gave me a lecture about my led foot then told me they had lost their ticket book. They seemed to think this was quite funny. I was so nervous, all I could think was, don’t you each have one, and wouldn’t every car have a spare or two? The incident ended in them saying that perhaps they should just get my phone number. Ahah. I started to catch on. They were cute, so, I gave it to them …besides, what was I going to do in that situation? They didn’t turn out to be the very brave sort of men in blue, though, becuase I never heard from them again. Or maybe they found their ticket book after all and filled in my info. My God! There is probably an outstanding warrant for me in Ontario right now.
I just KNEW there was a reason that I liked you! You too are a non-violent offender, just the way I like them. Maybe if you had thrown up a couple of gang signs he would have been to scared to assault you. I would recommend getting in touch with your local chapter of the crips or even the hells angels and ask (pay) for some protection! Nice work not going to jail!
I think this teaches us all a very valuable lesson. We should always listen to Kathi’s brother when it comes to paying off the police.
I can’t believe he beat you with his night stick. The cruelty (even if was imaginary). Why didn’t you just “show him the money”? I’m sure he would have stopped beating you if you would have just showed him a 20 or something.
Who said I’m non-violent?
From now on, I will always ask myself, “WWBD?”
And I will stay out of Toronto. I hear they are looking for hot babes like me there.
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