Just because I have never given birth or had full responsibility for rearing an Actual Human Child doesn’t preclude me from being possibly one of the top mothering experts in the known world. Although I could surely sell millions of books to beleaguered parents looking for The Answer, I will now offer my secrets FREE AT NO EXTRA CHARGE!
I present as evidence the case study of Child X.
As you can see, Child X was a bitter, unhappy child. A child desperately in need of Advanced Parenting. Just the kind of child that benefits the most from my awesome techniques.
The first technique is demonstrated in the photo above. I call it Mirroring. When the child throws a hissy fit, it is important not to stay calm and/or comfort the child. No, you must throw an even larger hissy fit. In this way, the child realizes that his hissy fit pales in comparison to yours, and he soon gives up, bowing to your greater skills.
The second technique is called Do I Have to Take You to the Hammock? This is useful in treating extreme tantrums, which in rare cases may not respond to Mirroring. The child is scooped up and removed from the scene of the tantrum, and carried to The Hammock. Once there, you hold the child tightly to prevent escape, and you talk to the child. And talk, and talk, and talk. Tell the child the story of your life, and then throw in all the things your parents ever told you to do or not to do. You will find that the child soon stops struggling, and begins begging you to stop. You must not stop until you have bored the child into a deep sleep.
After the first use of this technique, all subsequent occasions will require only the threat, “Do I Have to Take You to the Hammock?” The child will recoil in terror and cease the offending behavior immediately.
I offer as proof, this alone. Child X will graduate from high school next month, and I think we can all agree that I alone am responsible for this happy outcome (even though his mother might want to claim partial credit).
Happy Graduation, “X!”
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
dana wyzard 05.27.08 at 5:14 am
NO NO NO. You’re doing it all wrong with the hammock. You put the kid IN the hammock and twirl it around and around until they are wrapped in a cocoon or, as we child specialists like to call it, the crystalis or INNER SANCTUM.
Then you have two choices. Either walk away and come back with the crystalis is ready to open, revealing a fully grown adult, OR: (and my favorite) quickly untwirl the hammock and stand back. Be sure to take bets on where the little sweetie will land.
You can send him to college,or buy yourself a small island with the winnings. (Be sure and place markers on your yard at the 20, 30 and 40 yard line PRIOR to the unfurling).
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Toi 05.27.08 at 6:30 am
Between you and Dana Wyzard’s advice I should have no behaviorial problems at all from my future children. I would like to thank you both for this outstanding information as I thought the dryer was always the best bet for discipline, but I was obviously wrong.
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Diana 05.27.08 at 6:58 am
Oh good stuff! I still have time to use it since I have 2 kids that I could still wrestle to the hammock!
I’ve tried the mimic thing only to continuously be outdone by their mad screams from Hell! I just can’t seem to bring myself to that sort of vocal torture.
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dana wyzard 05.27.08 at 7:19 am
Silly gir TOI. The dryer doesn’t work because it breaks the hammock.
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Busty LaRue 05.27.08 at 7:48 am
I wish I had a hammock ! That is a great technique! I’ve tried what we call “the hold” but it results in several black eyes and bruises (on me, not on baby). I will have to get a hammock and try this one out as I am sure it will work!
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Melissa 05.27.08 at 8:52 am
LMAO crap my mom tried reasoning with us, she tried time-out, the hold, making us take a teaspoon of vinegar if we said a bad word, and many more and then she finally decided to let us suffer the consequences of our own actions. Man that was the worst punishment I Ever got! But I personally am going to look for a good new or used hammock when I have kids
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bob 05.27.08 at 9:11 am
I think I saw X’s mom on an XXX website, but I’ll keep looking anyway.
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Kathi D 05.27.08 at 12:09 pm
If any of you have trouble mastering my advanced techniques, I can be hired to work my magic on your Problem Child for mere zillions.
Bob, step away from the computer.
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Karen 05.28.08 at 6:51 am
So this is why I’m making no progress. I stop with the storries too soon. Thank you Kathi! Maybe now I can win back control of my home!
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mommyc 05.31.08 at 11:59 pm
I am thankful that we live in the country, because I am a master of the mirror. Unfortunately, my children are masters of tantrums, which means I have become the grand master of tantrums. If you don’t believe me, just ask my husband. Ocassionally, I forget that I am in town and mirror my children’s outbursts in public. The embarassment factor definitely ups the effectiveness. A screaming red headed 5 foot 11 cowgirl is always a good one to stop the checkout line. As for the hammock, I wish we had one of those. However, a hammock is not necessary, unless your placing bets on where the child will land after spinning. In my house, we just use a blanket. After many a split lip and black eye, we have discovered it is the safest way to quell a terrible two melt down. Simply place the blanket over the flailing limbs and hold tight (a quilt works best). My husband proceeds to chatter for hours about how much he loves the children and how he was punished as a boy (which is surprising because according to both he and his mother, he was a saint). Usually, I become so sick of it, I beg for their mercy. If all else fails, there is plan B. We have not had to use it as of yet, but it is in our SOPs. The shower. If your little torrent cannot get control of themselves, toss em in a shower. It is really just killing two birds wit hone stone, and I gurantee, they’ll be too shocked to continue the tantrum. If the shower is not handy, or in my case, your husband is too big to toss in the shower, a garden hose works great. Just make sure it is really long, because you may have to run with it for a while.
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