I seem to have some additional applicants for the coveted position of House Helper. I will be holding open auditions, and just to let you know, my back is usually itchy and I have Flatulence Issues. So sturdy fingernails and a degree of olfactory impairment are definite Pluses.

Also, I am quite the Idea Person, but not so much on the Follow Through. I need an energetic go-getter to implement my many creative fantasies. But I can’t stand someone behaving all energetic around me. I prefer a quiet, subdued energy. People that move too quickly get on my nerves, and I can get snappish if my blood sugar is low. That’s another thing. I need a constant supply of Diet Coke and sugar. I find that Diet Coke is quite lacking in sugar, so I need to get it in the form of brownies or M&Ms.

And now, for my Big Idea. It is inspired by my bug zapper, which, by the way, has kept me entertained the whole evening with its ZZZZTTT!! ZZZZTTT! ZZZZZTTT! Behold, the

TURKEY ZAPPER!

You’ll notice I am proposing to use corn-on-the-cob and gummy bears as bait. I don’t really know if turkeys enjoy gummy bears, but really, who wouldn’t? Once the turkeys are lured between the bars with the bait, they get a shock and fall into the large horse trough.

Ideally, the shock would also singe off the feathers and roast the bird, which could then be sold at the Farm Stand. If the turkey is tasty enough, I’m pretty sure I can get Oprah to loan me the money for development, especially if I promise her a human hair poncho as a lure.